Simple Self-Care for Newly Bereaved Parents

For newly Bereaved Parents

How do you get through each day while grieving an insurmountable loss? These simple self-care tips can help.

Deep down you know that you are forever changed and nothing will “make it better”. You may hear phrases from loved ones that are meant to comfort you, but instead, you find them triggering and upsetting. And whether you are sleeping or awake, your mind is racing and your heart is broken. Based on experience, here’s what we can offer to you:

Feel exactly how you feel.
Your mind and heart are processing the loss, and to do that, it needs to think and feel. There may be a tendency to not want to think or feel, but in fact, it’s ok to do the opposite. Let your mind race, let your heart feel broken, and allow yourself to feel how you feel. In some meditation traditions, an active mind is a sign of stress leaving your body. In grief, it can be a sign that your mind is processing what has happened. Some days you will want to sleep and other days you won’t be able to. Especially in the early stages of grief, allow your mind and your heart to do what it does. And to feel supported in the process, please read the remaining tips that follow.
Spend some time outdoors, in the fresh air.
Even if you just walk outside your door and take a few deep breaths, get some fresh air. Breathing in the fresh air and spending any amount of time in nature is nurturing and supportive for your mind, body, and soul. You may decide to make it a routine of having your coffee/tea on your porch or going for a short walk. At the same time, spaces around your home may be triggering and you may want to choose a different location to get some fresh air. If there’s a public park or trail nearby then you and a loved one could use that instead.
Let other people do the daily things for you, they want to help.
In the early stages of grief, it’s not uncommon for people to want to help. And while in the bigger picture, you may be thinking, “there’s nothing anyone can do to help”, there are a bunch of smaller, yet important, tasks of daily living that keep chugging along, such as food, dishes, and laundry. But that’s not for you to take on right now. Let a loved one come in and do it. Mentally take it completely off your plate. Remember, your mind and heart are doing big work of processing and trying to make sense of what you have experienced. Leave the dishes to someone else.
Set boundaries.
Just above we mentioned that people likely want to help, but remember you can be choosy about
1) who helps, and
2) how they help.
Set your boundaries. No, your type-A sister/best friend/whoever doesn’t need to come in and reorganize your home. But maybe they do need to come over, take the dogs out, do the dishes, throw in a load of laundry, and make some food to leave for you when you are ready to eat.
Or, if you have a large network of family and friends you may have tons of people in your space. If that’s something that helps you, then lean on them for support. If it is overwhelming and you want some of your own space, then set the boundary. You don’t even have to communicate it yourself. Designate a “representative” who you confide in, tell that person what you need, and let them handle it. Remember, no one needs to be in your space unless you want them there. And there are many, many ways people can support. They often just don’t know what to do and will appreciate the direction too.
Diffuse essential oils in your space.
Once you set the diffuser, you don’t need to think about it again. Essential oils pack a powerful punch. Derived from the earth, each oil has different properties and can help ease feelings of anxiety, grief, and overwhelm simply by breathing them in. If there is a smell that you like, use that. Or, here are some that can specifically support you in grief:
Lavender - calming and soothing properties. Don’t be surprised if it makes you sleepy. This can be helpful to use at night/when you want to rest. If, on the other hand, you get sneezy, then you may be allergic.
Lemon - like most citrus, has an awakening property. Don’t be surprised if you suddenly feel a little bit more alert. This can be helpful to use in the morning/during the day.
Frankincense - the proverbial “cure-all”, not that it literally cures-all, but in the sense that it has many wonderful and healing properties. This oil can promote a sense of feeling grounded and can enhance your overall sense of well-being. Diffuse at anytime, day or night (or both). You can mix it with the others if you like the way the scents combine.
Join a bereavement group and/or connect with a mental health professional.
You may feel alone, especially as a grieving parent, but you are not alone. Speaking to other people who are going through a similar experience can be really supportive. Likewise, speaking to a mental health professional can not only support your grief journey but can also help provide the (sometimes) necessary documentation that you need to submit in support of a leave of absence from work (See our “Leave After Child Loss” Article for more details).
Do the thing that feels right for your soul at that moment.
It may be journaling, listening to music, taking a bath, having a nice hot cup of coffee/tea, or going for a walk. Every day you will wake up feeling different, honor what you need at that moment, and roll with it. Remember, you have other people doing the daily stuff, leaving you the space to do what you need to do to care for yourself.
Bonus: When Grieving with a Partner…
If you have a partner/loved one whom you live with or who is going through the grief journey with you, please share this list with that person. Whether they decide to adhere to it or not, it can be a good way for you to say, “this is where I am at and this is what I am trying” so that you have transparency about what you will be doing/not doing.
Because each person grieves differently, their process may be different than yours and that’s ok. Or, you may find some common ground in the list above, such as deciding to go for a walk together or go to a support group together. You can still honor the process that you need and your partner can honor the process they need.
And lastly, you may try some of our suggestions and decide it doesn’t work for you. These are tips that we offer, but we encourage you to listen to yourself and do what you feel works for you, and discard what doesn’t. If you have a good tip, we would love to hear it as it may support someone else who is grieving. Please send it to us at info@raiseyourhearts.org.